


Love Art in Yourself, and Not Yourself in Art

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Theatre, Eruri Week, M/M, eruri - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-31
Updated: 2014-12-31
Packaged: 2018-03-04 11:59:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3067064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"They drank too much, and Levi couldn’t sing for shit, but they sat in out on the balcony of Erwin’s shitty apartment, singing at the top of their lungs until the alcohol tired them out. Looking back on it, the triple decker was in one of the worst parts of the city, the water was almost never hot, and the walls were practically falling apart, but Levi had fucking loved it there. Wherever Erwin was, he was at home."</p><p>Eruri Week Day 1--Past/Memories</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Art in Yourself, and Not Yourself in Art

Levi takes a drag from his cigarette, and pulls at his fingerless gloves. It’s too fucking cold to be wearing them, but he doesn’t have anything else, and he doesn’t want to catch himself on fire before the play. Even for New York City, it was busy. This was to be expected—it was a Saturday night, and most people are out on the town for the evening. He could have stuffed his other hand into his pocket, but he’s holding a single rose, wrapped up by the floral shop down the street. He doesn’t like to do this sort of thing, but he feels like it’s appropriate.

The line to the play is filing into the building, but Levi sees no reason for the rush. The play doesn’t start for another half an hour, and the seats are assigned. He adjusts his cravat, and brushes at the hem of his suit jacket. Hell, he hasn’t gotten this dressed up for anything in a while. He feels young, compared to the couples filing into the building. He shouldn’t have—he is almost twenty three, and has the scowl of an old man.

He finishes his smoke, and crushes the butt of the cigarette beneath his shoe. Fifteen minutes until the play. Levi feels strangely uncomfortable, with his chest beating hard in his chest, and his throat painfully dry. He buys a water on the way in to try and get rid of the sandpaper feeling in his mouth and throat. 

He used to go to these types of things with Erwin, but it had been years. They had been inseparable in college, but things are different now. He attends the play on his own, and he hasn’t talked to Erwin since graduation. 

 

They met in their first month at the University. Erwin was on scholarship for his acting abilities, and Levi was working backstage to pass the time. He couldn’t act for shit, and he knew it, but there was something about the hustle and bustle theatre that he loved. Erwin was bright eyed, and determined. His azure eyes shone during rehearsals, always standing high and confident. 

Levi was awkward—he had never been good with people, and he knew he was hard to understand. His speech wasn’t right, and he was too damned quiet. But Erwin always talked to him, and sat with him during their breaks. Levi didn’t understand why, but he didn’t protest. Sometimes they would chat, other times they would sit silently. 

Erwin began to walk Levi to his dormitory, despite his protests. He only lived a few minutes down the road, making Erwin’s efforts seem tedious more than anything. Sometimes, Erwin would rest a hand on Levi’s shoulder, or his fingers would brush against the other student’s waist.

Levi didn’t understand, at first, but when they kissed at the after party of their first production it made sense. Electricity shot through his body at the feeling of Erwin’s tongue against his, followed by the red hot embarrassment that came next.

They didn’t go on dates, but Levi didn’t mind—they were both too busy for that anyway. Chinese takeout and sitting together during rehearsals was good enough. 

When Erwin got the lead role in the first spring production, Levi dragged him backstage after everyone left, and fucked him in the dressing room. Erwin gave him long, sloppy kisses with shaky inhales in between. Levi sucked him off until he came, swirling his tongue around the tip of Erwin’s cock until he grabbed the smaller man’s hair and forced him down onto him.

Erwin came with a soft groan, and Levi shuddered in response. He didn’t mind the taste of come, but he hated the texture. Still, he scrunched up his nose and swallowed it. 

They locked the doors and Erwin undressed him. He had never been naked in front of another person, and Erwin had never had sex. They were awkward, shifting this way and that until they could get themselves comfortable. 

Erwin kissed down his neck, and rolled his tongue over Levi’s collarbone. His body tingled, and he could feel the blood rushing to his pelvis. It was odd, how another human being could make him feel like this. Erwin’s skin had the faint scent of cologne, and his lips held the taste of coffee and an apple from lunch. Levi’s half open eyes took in the movement of Erwin’s frame, from the rippling of his clothing to the strands of unkempt hair that stuck out from their roughhousing. 

Erwin’s skin flushed red, but his eyes were wide, and he took in with his usual intensity. He didn’t like it, how much of himself could be seen, and his hands twitched to cover himself. Erwin gave him a kiss on the cheek for reassurance, and ran his fingers up the length of Levi’s cock. 

He was reduced to a shivering mess, completely at Erwin’s mercy. The larger man worked at his erection, pushing him to the brink of an orgasm before he stopped. He wanted to come so fucking badly, but there was no way in hell he wasn’t about to touch himself in front of his boyfriend when they hadn’t even had sex.

Erwin pushed two fingers inside of Levi, and he cried out, wrenching his eyes shut. He could feel his face burning, and he wrenched his hands into the larger man’s hair. It didn’t hurt, but it didn’t feel…as good as he had expected

He screamed when Erwin thrusted into him for the first time, and dug his nails into the larger man’s shoulders. Levi arched his back, moving to cling onto the arms that were on either side of him. Erwin’s heated skin pressed against his, forehead touching his as he pulled out and slammed back into him. 

In an entanglement of legs and arms, Erwin moved in and out of Levi, soaking in the moans that spewed from the smaller man’s mouth. 

Levi was still too close, head spinning while his body burned with pleasure. He came as soon as Erwin hit his prostate, screaming his lover’s name into the hand that had been clamped over his mouth.  
It was exhilarating, to be in love.

 

The lights dim, and the music begins. Levi almost forgot about the live orchestras. Levi twists his fingers around the fabric of his pants, and takes in a shaky breath. He knows it will be good—he read the cast list before the show. Everyone on Broadway worked hard, Erwin used to remind him of that all of the time.

 

Erwin worked day and night, reciting his lines until even Levi was ready to scream. He was proud of Erwin, though, the way he acted, the way his eyes shone while he worked. He was talented—the school knew that, Levi knew that, and _he_ knew that. It wasn’t a question of “if”, but “when” he would make it big.

The two of them didn’t know what the hell they were doing. They struggled through classes, living for their time in the theatre. Levi ordered them takeout, and Erwin would write Levi shitty love poems. Erwin was a hell of an actor, but he was no writer. He always pretended to hate them, but he folded each one neatly and kept them clipped in his notebook. 

They drank too much, and Levi couldn’t sing for shit, but they sat in out on the balcony of Erwin’s shitty apartment, singing at the top of their lungs until the alcohol tired them out. Looking back on it, the triple decker was in one of the worst parts of the city, the water was almost never hot, and the walls were practically falling apart, but Levi had fucking loved it there. Wherever Erwin was, he was at home.

When they fucked, they were clueless. Sometimes, Erwin’s hands roamed Levi’s body until the smaller man practically begged him to get sucked off, while other times he bit down too hard, and Levi would drag his nails down his lover’s back in retaliation. But they were in love, and shit like that didn’t matter. 

Whenever Levi drank too much, his body tingled at Erwin’s touch, he came too fast, and Erwin would fuck him until he was ready to cry. His frame fit perfectly against Erwin’s, and they fell asleep together, crammed together on a twin sized bed that could barely fit Erwin by himself.

They were invincible, in their own, odd sort of way. Reality meant nothing—they lived for the theatre productions, absorbing themselves in anything from original pieces to well known plays.

 

The play is halfway through, and Levi stares at the man on stage. Blond hair, tall stature, body laced with muscle. Same as he remembered. Erwin had always been good. And like they predicted, he made it big. Levi wishes he were backstage, but he’s out of college and he’s working a shitty night job to get by. He knew his degree would be useless, but at the time, none of that mattered.

But Erwin is successful. He’s on stage, playing the Phantom of the Opera, half of a mask stuck to his face. He’s flawless.

Levi takes a sip of water and clears his throat. He feels himself tearing up. The play is fantastic, and he can’t take his eyes off of the Phantom.

 

Sophomore year flew by, filled with alcohol, rehearsal, and cigarettes. Levi picked up smoking first, and Erwin soon after. Everything one did, the other would soon follow. They were inseparable at the very least, and everyone knew it. Every production Erwin was in, Levi would do backstage. Whenever Erwin was on the verge of a breakdown during tech week, Levi would take him outside and calm him down. 

It almost seemed like they had spent their entire lives together.

Levi knew Erwin would go far. He, himself, tried to focus on completing an accounting degree—he didn’t know what the hell he was doing, but this would get him a job. 

When the cast list of the final Junior show came out, they drank champagne and whisky until they couldn’t walk straight, and ran to the park. It was fucking freezing out, and Levi had forgotten his coat, but it didn’t matter. The wind stung his face, turning his nose and cheeks red. He lit a cigarette to try and keep himself warm, but all it did was make him cough.

Erwin stumbled into him, sending the two of them tumbling into the grass. Their kisses made the alcohol feel warm in Levi’s chest, and he let his legs wrap around Erwin’s, pulling them close. It was three in the morning, who the hell would see them?

They fucked in the woods, only aware of their voices and the feeling of their bodies touching. At five o clock, they stumbled back to Erwin’s apartment and split a six pack of beers for breakfast. Levi hated the taste, but Erwin liked to drink it, so he forced it down. 

Levi couldn’t remember who filled up the bathtub, but he sunk into the hot water with Erwin, and fell asleep against his chest, waking up later in the afternoon in a pair of boxers under Erwin’s blankets.

He got dressed, and they went to the museum—something they made sure to do at least once a week. Levi loved the Renaissance paintings, and Erwin, the sculptures. 

It had been so long, since Levi had been to that museum. Exhibits came and went, but he couldn’t bring himself in alone. He put on a strong face, but it didn’t extend far past that. 

 

The play is nearly over, but Levi doesn't want it to be. He knows what he’s going to do after the play, and while his brain is telling him to do it, his body wants to run. He’s nervous, heart beating so hard it feels like it’s in his throat now. 

He’s proud of Erwin, but he doesn’t want to see him.

No, he does. He feels like he _needs_ to see Erwin. But he’s terrified. He’s gotten nowhere, and Erwin is where he dreamed. What is the point of bringing the past to him, and dragging him back down?

And Levi still hasn’t braced himself for one of the more prevalent, realistic problems:

What if Erwin is with someone else? Levi tries to tell himself that it isn’t an option, but that’s bullshit. Erwin is kind, beautiful, and talented. Who wouldn’t want to be with him?

 

He didn’t want the split, but he didn’t resist. Erwin spoke to him, first with a grin, then with tears in his eyes. He had performed excellently in the play—of course, Levi had already known that. He had been working behind the scenes, and saw Erwin acting from day one. The play had been put on near flawlessly,  and Levi was glad. Erwin had been looking for a job opportunity with one of the Broadway acting troops, and many of the recruiters were attending the play. 

It was the spring of Senior year when Erwin got a spot. He was one of the first choices, and he had come home to the apartment beaming like a child on Christmas day. Erwin scooped Levi up into his arms, and any other time, he would have demanded to be put down. But his lover curled around him, kissing him with lips that tasted like peppermint gum, and for once he didn’t mind. His tongue swirled around Erwin’s, sucking on it until he got a moan from the larger man. 

After graduation, Erwin would go to New York City and begin rehearsing for a production of Into the Woods. A chance on Broadway was all Erwin had ever wanted, and Levi could see that. He was thrilled for his lover, knowing that he would leave the university one step closer to his dream. 

But then, reality also hit Levi. New York was expensive, and Erwin had been selected to go, not Levi. He understood what was going to happen. Erwin would go, and he would have to stay. He couldn’t afford New York City—the both of them knew that. He was living paycheck to paycheck, trying to prevent himself from being absolutely drowned in student loans by the time he graduated. 

That was no reason for Erwin to fall behind, though. He offered to stay, but how could he? Levi took his things and left, the taste of Erwin still fresh on his lips. He hadn’t cried—no, thank god he hadn’t let himself get to that point, but he was sure Erwin had. His lover had always been emotional, whether or not he showed it. Even before Levi had left, he saw Erwin’s eyes begin to water, and he got the hell out of there before the tears spilled onto his cheeks. He wasn’t about to cave in and take away Erwin’s future.

 

The curtain rises, and the actors present themselves. Levi watches the Phantom take a bow, and the lights go on. His hands, now sweaty, clench around the empty water bottle, and he stands up. He keeps telling himself that he’s not ready, but he moves towards the stage. The actor talk amongst themselves and some members of the audience. Cameras flash, and a few people snap a picture with Erwin.

Levi stands in the back of the crowd, waiting for them to disperse, and silently praying that Erwin will leave. He doesn’t. Eventually, he is the last one left, but Erwin is too busy talking to the actress who played Christine, as well as a few extras to notice. Levi stares hard at the ground. He isn’t about to say anything to interrupt them. 

He’s so focused, though, that he doesn’t hear the room fall silent. What snaps him back to attention is a female voice. “Oh, were you waiting to talk to us? I’m sorry, I honestly didn’t even see you there,” the actress said with a smile. She smelled of sweet perfume and cigarettes. 

Levi should feel relieved at the acknowledgement, but instead his stomach twists, and he licks his lips.

“No, it’s fine.”

Erwin is still talking, but Levi doesn’t mind. “Erwin, don’t be rude, we have an audience member here,” she says firmly, giving him a smack on the shoulder hard enough to catch his attention.

He straightens up immediately, and starts to turn towards him. “Oh, I’m so sorry, I— _Levi_?”

“Ah, you know him?” the actress asks with a short laugh. “Isn’t that funny, you never have any of your friends come to your shows.”

Erwin’s mouth moves, but no words come out, so Levi jumps in. “We went to college together. We were both in theatre.”

“Oh, so you act?”

“No, backstage.”

She nods, seeming to accept this answer, and leaves Erwin to the conversation.

“Levi, what are you doing here?” Erwin finally sputters out, but Levi doesn’t know what the hell to say.

“Uhm…I was just…in town.”

“Ah.”

The two of them stare at each other for the longest time before Levi _really_ starts to get uncomfortable. He fidgets in his spot, fingers picking at the wrapping of the stupid ass rose in his hands. Finally, he shoves the wrapped up flower into Erwin’s hands, and takes a step back. He feels his face burning, and he wants to leave. He hates that all these people are watching, but they’re interested, and they’re not going to leave.

Erwin stares at it for a long time, and looks…hurt. His mouth twists into a frown, and Levi knows that he should just take a deep breath and face it, but he can’t bring himself to.

“Your performance was fantastic. I heard you were going to be on Broadway, and I was in town, so I figured I would stop by and see the show.” He keeps rambling and rambling, but Erwin only stares at him. “But I have a bus to catch tomorrow morning, so I should be going, but I wanted to congratulate you on—“

“Levi.”

He takes a deep breath, and looks at Erwin. Really looks at him. He looks tired, and his face is caked with makeup, but he’s as beautiful as ever, and Levi can feel his chest aching. “Yeah?” 

The actor takes a deep breath, and shuts his eyes for a moment. “Do you have time to go out for a drink?” 

“I shouldn’t stay out late, I don’t want to miss my ride home. Really.”

Erwin’s grip on the flower tightens, and he sighs. “Do you have a ticket home yet, Levi?”

“…No,” he admits, and stares at the ground.

“Then come out for a drink with me after we break down the stage.”

Levi sighs, but feels relieved. Erwin smiles at him, but he only scowls back. “Do you want help?” He knows that he probably shouldn’t be backstage, but he lets Erwin lead him back there. When the set is broken down, he leads him to the dressing rooms. 

“You have your own spot here?” Levi asks, observing what was obviously Erwin’s belongings strewn in front of one of the mirrors.

“For this show, yeah.”

Levi taps his fingers against the table. These were much nicer than the ones they had in school. “How has it been, being on Broadway?”

Erwin sat himself down in one of the chairs. “It’s amazing. It’s everything I thought it would be, and more.”

Levi nods, and runs a hand through his hair. “I’m glad.”

“I was thinking of you, before the show.”

At this, Levi snorted, and rolled his eyes. “You don’t have to humor me, you know.”

“Really, I was.” Erwin fishes through the pockets of his costume, until he fishes out a crumpled piece of photo paper, and puts it in Levi’s hands. “I have to change, I’ll be right back.”

While he’s gone, Levi uncrumples the paper, and freezes. A picture of the two of them after their first show. It’s an embarrassing picture, and that pisses Levi off, but it’s nothing compared to the choked up sensation that floods his face and chest. His nose stings, and he holds the picture carefully in his hands. Levi is propped up against Erwin, passed out halfway through one of the dress rehearsals, while the larger man was making sure that his hair was done right.

“Of all the things you had to keep, why this?” Levi spits, and flicks the picture back at Erwin, even though he’s thrilled that the actor was thinking of him. 

Erwin laughs his same, airy laugh, and he puts the photo back into his pocket. “That’s easy—it’s the first time I felt like you really trusted me.”

The two of them go to the bar down the street, and have a couple of beers. When Levi feels the buzz hit him, his nerves are gone, and he doesn’t understand what kept him from doing this sooner. 

Erwin’s arm is locked around his waist, and he’s lead back to his old lover’s apartment. The familiar scent of Erwin’s cologne and whisky fill the apartment, and Levi lets himself slump onto Erwin’s couch. The furniture isn’t great—something that Erwin probably got from the thrift store. But what the hell does it matter?

“You’re happy,” Levi finally says, sitting next to Erwin with another beer in his hand. He shouldn’t keep drinking, but he doesn’t give a shit, and he feels good. Erwin stares at him, his face red from the alcohol.

“Yes, I think so.”

“Why do you _think_ so? You’re doing everything you’ve wanted to do for years.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah?” Levi cocks his head to the side, and takes a sip of beer. “What the hell’s missing, then?”

Erwin sighs, and pops open his own beer. “I wanted to you to come with me.”

“I was poor.”

“We could have figured it out.”

Levi laughs bitterly, and Erwin shuts his eyes. “No, no, I’m still poor. I’ve been saving for a while to see this show.”  
“Why?”

“I missed you.”

Erwin laughs, but his voice is soft, now. Levi can tell that Erwin is drunk, and he sure as hell is too. They used to be able to do anything, and now they can barely hold a conversation. “The same for you.”

“It doesn’t matter now, you know. It was a good four years.”

“Is that all it was to you, Levi?”

The smaller man shrugs. “Of course not.”

Erwin takes another sip of beer. “You always do this. You treat these things like they’re trivial so it won’t hurt as much.”

“Perhaps.”

“Levi, come here.”

Reluctantly, he moves so that he is sitting next to the blond, and he half expects Erwin to kiss him. Instead, he wraps his arms around Levi, and holds him there. “I never stopped loving you, you know.”

“I…” Levi licks his lips, and rests his head against Erwin’s chest like he used to. His heart is beating fast, and his grip tightens around the smaller man ever so slightly. “I’m sorry. For everything.” 

Before Erwin can respond, he jerks away from the larger man, and stands up. It takes a minute for him to catch his footing, but he eventually stands up straight, Erwin following suit. “I need another drink. Do you have anything?”

“There’s rum in the fridge.”

“Good enough.”

“Do you drink a lot?”

“Enough.”

“Enough?”

Levi shrugs. “Five or six times a week.”

Erwin laughs, and Levi pours himself a drink. “I knew you’d be an alcoholic.”

“What the hell does it matter?” Levi downs the drink, and pours himself another. “I can get myself up for work.”

“You look exhausted.”

“So do you.”

“Pour me a drink,” Erwin says, and Levi does. They sit on the couch like they used to, drinking until it’s hard to see straight. 

Levi tells himself that Erwin is the one coming onto him, but the next thing he knows, he’s in the actor’s lap, planting chaste kisses on his neck. “I fucking love you, you stupid bastard,” Levi slurs, and Erwin seizes him by the hips.

They move around the room like they used to, with Erwin’s hands on his hips, and their mouths crushed against one another’s. 

Levi brushes his fingers over Erwin’s cock, and smirks into the kiss. It’s fucking hard, and it’s exhilarating to know that he can still do this. “Shit, you really did miss me.”

Erwin’s eyes flutter shut, and Levi works at his pants until they’re at his ankles. His boxers are next, and Levi wastes no time in pushing Erwin down onto the couch and taking the blond’s length into his mouth.

It scares him, how natural this is. He remembers Erwin’s body, what he likes, and how to make him moan. He comes hard in Levi’s mouth, and said man pulls back to swallow. 

“Fuck, Levi, why are you—“  
“Are you taken?” 

Erwin blinks once, then twice. “No, but—“

“Then what does it matter?” His hands work at Erwin’s cock until it’s hard again, and he coats it in a liberal amount of saliva before taking a step back to throw off his suit jacket. 

He unbuttons his shirt, and Erwin’s azure eyes focus on his dull, grey ones. “I’m undressing, and all you can look at is my face?” Erwin’s eyes dart down as Levi’s shirt falls to the ground, pants and boxers following soon after. “That’s better.”

Erwin is breathing heavily, and Levi feels the blood rushing to his pelvis. He’s in charge, and that’s fine with him. He positions himself on top of Erwin, the actor’s cock pressing against his entrance. “Hey, I can’t fuck you like this, you’ll get hurt.”

“Who cares? I want you, _now_.”

He pushes down, and Erwin’s right—it does hurt. But he misses the sensation of Erwin inside of him, so he keeps going until his lover finally grabs his hips and slams him down. 

They fuck like they used to, awkward, feeling at each other until they couldn’t fucking take it anymore. Levi is drunk, and he comes fast, but Erwin keeps going, hands latched onto Levi’s torso as he slams into him. His fingers brush over the skin covering Levi’s spine, feeling at the sweat that’s beginning to appear.

Erwin comes when Levi drags his nails down his biceps, almost hard enough to draw blood. 

“Fuck, Levi, you’re so fucking good,” Erwin groans, and digs his teeth into the flesh of Levi’s neck. He gasps out, curling his toes into the couch before pulling himself off of Erwin. 

“You didn’t do too bad either, old man.”

Levi wants to tell Erwin that he loves him, and he wants to apologize again, but he knows there’s no point. Erwin understands, and Erwin doesn’t seem to mind. He has his arms wrapped around Levi, comfortable with the silence between the two of them.

He tries to stay awake, but he knows that he drank to much, and after he pulls his shirt back on, he collapses next to Erwin on the couch again, and slips into unconsciousness.

vAt five in the morning, he cracks his eyes open, and Erwin is sitting up in bed, rubbing circles on his back. Levi swats the hands away, but doesn’t make any move to get up. He doesn’t want to go back, and Erwin isn’t telling him to.

Levi shuts his eyes, and falls back asleep with his face buried in Erwin’s lap.


End file.
